It’s funny how we can be slaves to our expectations without even realizing it.  We set goals, have visions for our futures.  We are told this is a good thing.  We are told we should not compromise. Visualize what you want and it will manifest like magic!  Of course, they don’t mention how long that magic might take.  We end up creating these limitations — because that’s what they can end up being — under the guise of holding out for what we “deserve”.

I’m all about going for the gold, setting high goals and working hard to achieve them.  I have high standards myself.  Compromise is still something I’m learning to appreciate…and “appreciate” is probably too strong of a word, but you know what I mean.

While we are told this kind of uncompromising attitude is telling of a high self-regard and can lead to great success, it can totally bite us in the backside when it comes to love and relationships.

Think about it.

A few girlfriends and I have been talking about our relationships — past, present and, perhaps, future.  We have gone down the list of the men we have loved and the ones we have pushed away.  And more than a few of us noted that the men who came in the most perfect packages were the ones who ended up being the most disappointing.

I looked to my own love life — which I probably do much less than you might imagine — and the men who came most beautifully wrapped (handsome, intelligent, great career, endless potential and good body to boot), ended up being quite controlling.  These “men”, who could plan a perfect evening, call when they said they would and were endlessly chivalrous, could also turn cold and moody.  Looking back, I realized how many of the same unappealing traits they ended up sharing and found how truly not “perfect for me” they were.

Then there are the ones who were “flawed”.  Not classically good-looking.  Still trying to start up the career.  Lots of potential, though not fully utilizing it.  Intelligent (because that is my biggest turn on).  Could probably stand to lose a few pounds.  I tended to stay away from anything serious with these “guys” because they weren’t what I wanted, or worse, what I thought I “deserved”.

I have often likened men to real estate, joking that when I was in my twenties, I thought it would be really romantic to get a “fixer-upper”, turn “not much” into “really something” and make it truly “mine”.  In my thirties, however, I only want something “move-in ready”.  Then, a happily married friend of mine burst my bubble by sharing a little secret with me:  “There’s no such thing as ‘move-in ready’.”

The idea I had for a perfect man was not simply superficial or material.  I mean, I wouldn’t kick George Clooney out of bed for eating crackers, but I wasn’t necessarily looking for a rich, handsome, chiseled-from-stone man (though, I can’t say I’d kick him out of bed, either).  The ideal I had spoke more of my fears than my desires.  I wanted someone with a lot of security (a steady income and solid career), because my career is so not secure.  I like a man who eats well and works out because it shows me he takes care of himself — and, thus, can take care of me.  I want to be taken care of, not because I want to be sitting on a sofa eating truffles and watching ‘Oprah’, but because I want to feel safe.  It sounds like a smart plan at first, but if this “ideal” is used to stringently, you can lose sight of a guy who could be perfect for you.

So, I suppose the one guy we really need to get over is our vision of the perfect “him”.  “He” can stand in our way more than any other man.  I’m not saying lower your standards.  I’m suggesting that we should keep our eyes, our minds and our hearts open.  Love isn’t perfect.  That we know.  So, looking for that perfect man may very well be futile.  Ask a friend who has found her perfect match and you may be surprised to hear her say, “I never thought I would fall in love with a man like him.  But, I’m so glad I did.”

Happy Valentine’s Day, my friends.  xo

The question is always Why?

Why did it end?

Why couldn’t we make it work?

Or, if you are dealing with someone else’s breakup, Why do you keep putting yourself in a position where you know you’ll leave hurt?!

Case in point: A few weeks ago, my friend, “Amy”, emailed me concerned she was being too hard on her friend, “Sally”, who was sending Amy play-by-play messages of Sally’s dramatic drag-out of a goodbye. Sally messaged Amy that she just left the guy’s house in tears and knew she was an idiot for going over there but couldn’t help herself because she thinks she’s in love. Amy was worried that she might have been too harsh when she corrected Sally, telling her that that she was not an idiot but clearly an emotional masochist and needed to stay away from him. Amy emailed me, wanting to know what I thought of Sally’s situation.

I simply wrote: She might be in love, but he’s certainly not.

Was that harsh?

The bigger question is: Does it matter if one person is in love if the other doesn’t reciprocate those feelings?

Really. What could be more painful? So, should one indulge or encourage those unrequited emotions? My vote would be no. I think it would it be wiser and ultimately kinder to discourage those feelings until they fade away.

I know that must sound terribly cold. After all, she’s in love. But, she is in love alone. And all the love she might feel isn’t making him love her back. It’s only causing her pain. We’ve all been there, and we all know better.

Look, you can’t will someone to love you. Trust me. If that were the case I would be fighting off Clooney and Pitt. And no matter how good it was or what wonderful chemistry you might have had, when you keep crying, it might be a clue that it’s time to GOH. There isn’t a behavior or trick or a certain amount of effort you have to employ to make a man love you. Yet, some of us still try thinking that one more conversation will change things. One more kiss. One more time in the sack. Usually, that leads to more tears rather than true love.

What do you do if you are dragged into a friend’s breakup drama? Well, sometimes, in order to be a good friend, you need to just listen. Be the shoulder and the ears. However, if she keeps walking down Hearbreak Alley, you might need to be a little harsh and let her know that she’s the one causing her own pain. And she can be strong enough to stop it. Then, if she’s still speaking to you, take her out for a great big martini, give her your shoulder and just listen again. This time, she might start to sound like her old self.

How often, in the middle of spilling your guts to a friend, do you hear yourself repeating the same lines about this relationship — or end of such — that you did about the one before…and before that and before that and before that and…well, you get it. How many times do we fall into patterns that we swore we would not repeat?

I’m one who believes in karma. You know the term. We toss it around a lot, usually as a threat that it’s going to catch up with someone at some point (and it will). But really, karma is about cause and effect, what you put out is what you get back. Karma isn’t always a hard ass. Sometimes, karma will give us a second — or third or forth or fifty-fifth — chance. When we find ourselves in a deja vu type situation, karma is giving us another opportunity to learn. But, each time we “revisit” the lesson, it gets a bit more painful if we aren’t swift to learn it. That’s why I try to pay attention and check myself when I feel karma at the chalkboard of life. I’ve gotten the karmic knuckle-rapping before. It isn’t pleasant, let me tell you.

The great thing about going down the same road, though, is that you understand where it leads. If you know you are heading down a dark alley, you can always make a turn and go off in a different direction. And karma will likely give you a gold star for that.

So, the next time you find you’re repeating yourself, stop. Check your inner GPS and see if you are heading in the direction you really want to go and not doing yet another lap around your past.