One of the perks of having written this book is connecting with its readers. From it, I have made many new friends that I greatly enjoy. I always appreciate it when someone takes the time to contact me with a question or comment. And, the other day, I got an email from a smart lady asking about forgiveness. After a kind introduction, she wrote:

I am a bit surprised that one of your steps isn’t forgiveness.  Did you ever consider that as part of the process?  And I am not just talking about forgiving ourselves but forgiving the other person.  Or do you think it is unrealistic and most of the men who break our hearts are not deserving of forgiveness?  And does one forgive someone in their mind or does the verbal acknowledgement/process/act become a part of the healing process?   I guess I wonder about this since you sometimes read about people who have had horrible things (things much more horrible than a break-up) happen to them or a family member, and sometimes these individuals find the perpetrator and forgive the person.  Perhaps it is somewhat a selfish act of forgiveness — one that allows them to move-on and to no longer be angry, but I just wondered if it is something you have thought about or ever considered including in your book.

And that was such a great question.

To answer her, I said that I think forgiveness — both to him and yourself — would be a natural part of the getting over him process. Once you are able to focus on yourself — not in a self-centered way, but on your own happiness and healing — you would be able to put him, the relationship and the pain into perspective. With perspective comes the ability to forgive, but that may take some time.

There’s a Buddhist saying that having resentment/anger/not forgiving someone is like drinking poison and hoping the other person will die. It’s just silly to carry that around because it only affects you, not the person who wronged you. Forgiveness is very important, but it opens up a whole other and much deeper discussion:

How do we forgive and why do we forgive?

That is very personal. And what makes it most personal is your own definition of forgiveness. Some people think that, by forgiving someone, you are letting them off the hook. Or that forgiving someone means having a relationship with them or allowing them into your life. I don’t think either are true.

Forgiveness, to me, means releasing that pain and weight of the offense, which is the deeper theme of Steps 9 and 10.

Step 9, Learn the Lesson, Lose the Rest, is about taking the positive aspects of the relationship — hopefully, there were some — and let go of everything else. That’s not to paint it a sunny yellow, but to say, “Okay, at least from this relationship I learned X. I am grateful to know that and I won’t have to repeat that lesson again.” The rest can be “forgiven”, or at least forgotten.

Step 10, Move On, serves to remind that it’s important to keep the past in your review mirror, and to keep your focus on what’s in front of you. You can look back from time to time, but only to see how far you’ve come. But, if the past is a trailer hitched to your backside, you haven’t really moved on. In that case, you really need to forgive yourself and make your life more important than any him, relationship or pain.

Do you need to forgive the person personally? No. Sometimes that’s just impossible if the person has moved away or has passed away. You just need to forgive them in your heart and let the weight of that pain go. Sometimes, that’s a daily — or even hourly — exercise. The mediations mentioned in the email can be helpful, but they can also be very painful. I have friends who have gone through those via the prison system, and it seems to me that, at least in their case, the reward came with a great deal of stress, disappointment and pain. So, that form of forgiveness is also a personal choice. It comes down to what will make you feel better.

Who we deem as deserving of forgiveness only comes down to one person: ourselves (which, I realize, is a plural). Do you deserve forgiveness? I hope you said yes. Does he? I don’t know. If he was cruel or violent, a liar or a cheater, if he put you in danger, that forgiveness may be harder to come by. The best way to come to that is to honor yourself and put that relationship and pain farther and farther behind you each day. What I learned for myself is that the pain I felt from those unhappy endings wasn’t so much about the hims; it was pain over the loss of my own hopes and expectations. Yes, I missed “him”, but more I missed “us” and what that “us” represented for me.

I have forgiven each of my exes. Not all of them personally. Not all of them would I say hello to if we bumped into each other. And, there are one or two I would gladly smile and flip the bird to if I saw them. They are forgiven, but they are still asshats — as human beings, not just boyfriends, ex or otherwise. But, none of them cause me pain when I think of them. None of them I wish anything but well…even the ones I would give the middle finger salute. Some were easier to forgive than others. Fortunately, none were violent or put me in danger. So, I suppose I’ve had an easier path to forgiveness than some.

What I can say about forgiveness is that it comes easier, more naturally, with time and practice. But forgiveness is not as important, when getting over someone, as the other steps to heal your heart. Those should come first. And, once you complete them, I think the next step is forgiving. At least I hope that’s true. xo

Last month, a dear friend of mine passed away. She had lived well through her diagnosis of Stage IV Ovarian Cancer, prevailing over it for three-and-a-half years. For those of you not familiar with cancer stages, there is no stage five.

She was a wife to an incredible husband, and mother to a beautiful son, who will turn seven later this month. I had known her since the seventh grade, but lost touch after high school. Facebook brought us back in touch in early 2008. In late November of that year, she received the news that she had cancer.

In 2009, we started a blog called Project Elegance. We were obsessed with Grace Kelly and Audrey Hepburn, and the sophistication of times gone by. But the real reason I cajoled her into PE was to get her to blog, to write about what she was going through, because the most incredible part was her decision not only to survive it, but to live honestly, openly, lovingly and beautifully, embracing all the joy and wonder life holds, from the littlest things to the most profound. In 2010, she started Four Seeds.

It had been a very long time since I lost someone so close to me. A very long time. And, even though we knew her time was finite (because we seem to forget ours is, too), it still didn’t fully prepare me for the blow, the black-and-blue bruise to the soul. There is a piece missing from me now. I can feel it carved out. I know one day it will slowly reform, but that place will always be tender.

But, I have chosen not to honor her with pain. I have decided to only remember her with laughter and joy. Sadness and anger did not have room in her life, so they should not cast a shadow on her memory. That doesn’t make the decision easy. But it is a choice I have to honor not only for my darling friend, but for myself. She had the courage to be happy in spite of her cancer. I must have the courage to be happy in spite of my loss.

A death is not something to get over. We will not get over our loss. But it is something we must get through, and decide to go through it bravely and elegantly, and appreciating all life has to offer, just like our friend did.

We tend to forget that how we live is really our choice. We do decide how we carry ourselves. We decide our reactions. We select our state of mind. My darling friend Jennifer was a shining example of choosing well. The least I can do is the same. xo

Endings of the romantic variety are tough. Getting over them can be even tougher. Everybody and their brother has advice on how to heal a broken heart (heck, I even wrote a book about it). But, of all the advice that seems to be repeated, we rarely talk about the importance of setting boundaries. Yes, we know that boundaries are vital for healthy relationships, but they are also necessary to help you get over a breakup.

Your Ex
You broke up. It’s over. So why are you still in touch with your ex? Is he/she contacting you? Are you contacting him/her? I can give you a list of reasons why this is not going to help you get over it, but one sure way to know you need to stop and set a boundary is by noticing how you feel after you end that call, read that email or text, or secretly stalk your ex on social media.

If you feel sort of like what pet-owners put in a plastic bag, you definitely need to set a boundary, specifically a “Let’s not communicate for the foreseeable” kind of boundary. I strongly suggest removing your ex from your social media. Un-friend, un-follow, de-link, de-pin, etc. I know that sounds hard and cold, but let’s face facts: You are no longer friends. You don’t need to follow your ex (or be followed by your ex). You no longer are linked. Don’t bother sticking a pin in it; simply accept that you’re done. It’s sad and hard and awful, but it’s also true. And, if your ex (or you) does not adhere this boundary, it should tell you all you need to know: Honorable people respect boundaries; trespassers don’t.

Your Friends
Your friends adore you and want to see you happy…except for those whose misery loves company and are always prepared for a pity party. Right after your breakup, when you are still red and raw, your friends are your emotional EMTs. They are a wonderful support, helping you through an awful time with the appropriate combination of sugar, carbs, cocktails, romcoms, tearjerkers and shoot-em-ups. A few weeks after, though, they may be pouring salt in your wounds without even realizing it.

There are some friends who will treat you like a bird with a broken wing, walking up to you with a head-tilt and a pout, asking you how you are, poor thing. Or those who, with a glint in their eyes, want you to know everything your ex has been up to. Feel free to let your amazing friends know that you deeply appreciate their care and concern but, unless you bring it up, the subject of your ex is off limits. Explain that you are working on moving on, and that you would love their support in this endeavor. Don’t be surprised if you hear a sigh of relief from a few of them. After all, how many viewings of The Notebook are they expected to take?

Your Family
This is one area where boundaries are blurred and crossed on a regular basis. Still, your boundaries need to at least be mentioned even if they can’t be firmly set.

When a family member delivers a well-meaning zing like, “I really liked [name of your ex here]. I’m just so sorry it didn’t work out for you,” or “I know I never told you this, but I never liked [your ex]. You can do so much better,” you need to be able to tell your loved one that their silent support would be appreciated. Let them know that, believe it or not, you are focusing on you and your future, not your ex and the past. If they persist, attempt to change the subject. If that fails, maybe pretend that you have to leave town for work or an overdue vacation (what a great time to treat yourself to a trip, no?), and won’t be in touch for a little while in order to give yourself some space. That might sound a little drastic (and, yes, dishonest), but the idea is to do what you need to do get over this sooner rather than later.

You
Yes, you. You need to set some boundaries for yourself—mentally, emotionally and physically.

First boundary: Don’t go there. Avoid places where you more or less know you will see your ex, or venues that stir memories. This is the perfect time to check out that new Asian fusion vegan joint your ex had no interest in. Next boundary: Don’t dwell on it. Yes, it hurts, but it’s only going to keep hurting if the only thing you focus on is the pain. Reliving every thing your ex did and said is the opposite of healing. It’s what I call “picking the scab”. I agree, that’s a little unsavory, but so that kind of mental self-abuse. It’s over. Let it go. It didn’t work and that’s okay.

Additional suggested boundary: Don’t listen to that song or watch that film. You know the ones I’m talking about. That’s the emotional equivalent of crawling over barbed wire to tap dance on landmines. You’re just asking for hurt. Sad songs? Please. You need an anthem! There are many to choose from, but a personal favorite—if you’re in need of suggestion—is Karen O. belting out “The Immigrant Song”. Who cannot take on the world (let alone get over a breakup) with that on a loop, right?  As for movies you should be watching: American Psycho and Fight Club. See if anyone in those films is at all familiar to you (I also consider those to be Rosetta Stones for single women…not to mention they are just great films).

Boundaries don’t have to be booby-trapped brick fortresses that keep you isolated during the upheaval that is a breakup. Consider them little lines in the sand you know better than to cross. Let them serve as markers to help you focus on what’s actually important: Your happiness. Boundaries can put you on the fast-track to healing your heart because they keep looking forward. And you, my friend, have a lot to look forward to.