One of the perks of having written this book is connecting with its readers. From it, I have made many new friends that I greatly enjoy. I always appreciate it when someone takes the time to contact me with a question or comment. And, the other day, I got an email from a smart lady asking about forgiveness. After a kind introduction, she wrote:

I am a bit surprised that one of your steps isn’t forgiveness.  Did you ever consider that as part of the process?  And I am not just talking about forgiving ourselves but forgiving the other person.  Or do you think it is unrealistic and most of the men who break our hearts are not deserving of forgiveness?  And does one forgive someone in their mind or does the verbal acknowledgement/process/act become a part of the healing process?   I guess I wonder about this since you sometimes read about people who have had horrible things (things much more horrible than a break-up) happen to them or a family member, and sometimes these individuals find the perpetrator and forgive the person.  Perhaps it is somewhat a selfish act of forgiveness — one that allows them to move-on and to no longer be angry, but I just wondered if it is something you have thought about or ever considered including in your book.

And that was such a great question.

To answer her, I said that I think forgiveness — both to him and yourself — would be a natural part of the getting over him process. Once you are able to focus on yourself — not in a self-centered way, but on your own happiness and healing — you would be able to put him, the relationship and the pain into perspective. With perspective comes the ability to forgive, but that may take some time.

There’s a Buddhist saying that having resentment/anger/not forgiving someone is like drinking poison and hoping the other person will die. It’s just silly to carry that around because it only affects you, not the person who wronged you. Forgiveness is very important, but it opens up a whole other and much deeper discussion:

How do we forgive and why do we forgive?

That is very personal. And what makes it most personal is your own definition of forgiveness. Some people think that, by forgiving someone, you are letting them off the hook. Or that forgiving someone means having a relationship with them or allowing them into your life. I don’t think either are true.

Forgiveness, to me, means releasing that pain and weight of the offense, which is the deeper theme of Steps 9 and 10.

Step 9, Learn the Lesson, Lose the Rest, is about taking the positive aspects of the relationship — hopefully, there were some — and let go of everything else. That’s not to paint it a sunny yellow, but to say, “Okay, at least from this relationship I learned X. I am grateful to know that and I won’t have to repeat that lesson again.” The rest can be “forgiven”, or at least forgotten.

Step 10, Move On, serves to remind that it’s important to keep the past in your review mirror, and to keep your focus on what’s in front of you. You can look back from time to time, but only to see how far you’ve come. But, if the past is a trailer hitched to your backside, you haven’t really moved on. In that case, you really need to forgive yourself and make your life more important than any him, relationship or pain.

Do you need to forgive the person personally? No. Sometimes that’s just impossible if the person has moved away or has passed away. You just need to forgive them in your heart and let the weight of that pain go. Sometimes, that’s a daily — or even hourly — exercise. The mediations mentioned in the email can be helpful, but they can also be very painful. I have friends who have gone through those via the prison system, and it seems to me that, at least in their case, the reward came with a great deal of stress, disappointment and pain. So, that form of forgiveness is also a personal choice. It comes down to what will make you feel better.

Who we deem as deserving of forgiveness only comes down to one person: ourselves (which, I realize, is a plural). Do you deserve forgiveness? I hope you said yes. Does he? I don’t know. If he was cruel or violent, a liar or a cheater, if he put you in danger, that forgiveness may be harder to come by. The best way to come to that is to honor yourself and put that relationship and pain farther and farther behind you each day. What I learned for myself is that the pain I felt from those unhappy endings wasn’t so much about the hims; it was pain over the loss of my own hopes and expectations. Yes, I missed “him”, but more I missed “us” and what that “us” represented for me.

I have forgiven each of my exes. Not all of them personally. Not all of them would I say hello to if we bumped into each other. And, there are one or two I would gladly smile and flip the bird to if I saw them. They are forgiven, but they are still asshats — as human beings, not just boyfriends, ex or otherwise. But, none of them cause me pain when I think of them. None of them I wish anything but well…even the ones I would give the middle finger salute. Some were easier to forgive than others. Fortunately, none were violent or put me in danger. So, I suppose I’ve had an easier path to forgiveness than some.

What I can say about forgiveness is that it comes easier, more naturally, with time and practice. But forgiveness is not as important, when getting over someone, as the other steps to heal your heart. Those should come first. And, once you complete them, I think the next step is forgiving. At least I hope that’s true. xo