Last month, a dear friend of mine passed away. She had lived well through her diagnosis of Stage IV Ovarian Cancer, prevailing over it for three-and-a-half years. For those of you not familiar with cancer stages, there is no stage five.

She was a wife to an incredible husband, and mother to a beautiful son, who will turn seven later this month. I had known her since the seventh grade, but lost touch after high school. Facebook brought us back in touch in early 2008. In late November of that year, she received the news that she had cancer.

In 2009, we started a blog called Project Elegance. We were obsessed with Grace Kelly and Audrey Hepburn, and the sophistication of times gone by. But the real reason I cajoled her into PE was to get her to blog, to write about what she was going through, because the most incredible part was her decision not only to survive it, but to live honestly, openly, lovingly and beautifully, embracing all the joy and wonder life holds, from the littlest things to the most profound. In 2010, she started Four Seeds.

It had been a very long time since I lost someone so close to me. A very long time. And, even though we knew her time was finite (because we seem to forget ours is, too), it still didn’t fully prepare me for the blow, the black-and-blue bruise to the soul. There is a piece missing from me now. I can feel it carved out. I know one day it will slowly reform, but that place will always be tender.

But, I have chosen not to honor her with pain. I have decided to only remember her with laughter and joy. Sadness and anger did not have room in her life, so they should not cast a shadow on her memory. That doesn’t make the decision easy. But it is a choice I have to honor not only for my darling friend, but for myself. She had the courage to be happy in spite of her cancer. I must have the courage to be happy in spite of my loss.

A death is not something to get over. We will not get over our loss. But it is something we must get through, and decide to go through it bravely and elegantly, and appreciating all life has to offer, just like our friend did.

We tend to forget that how we live is really our choice. We do decide how we carry ourselves. We decide our reactions. We select our state of mind. My darling friend Jennifer was a shining example of choosing well. The least I can do is the same. xo